Alone
by AnimeFreak134
Summary: The contents of a letter addressed to Fenris cause him to remember how it really feels to be alone. Oneshot.


**This has been sitting on my computer for ages. I wrote it after my second DA:I playthrough because I decided to sacrifice Hawke just to see what would happen. Awful decision by the way. Anyway, I felt like I couldn't just keep this to myself because despite all the DA:I related Feris and Hawke fics there doesn't seem to be one that tears my heart out. Sorry if it seems like it just cuts off - I just kinda wrote until I couldnt think of anything else.**

* * *

 ** _Alone_**

A Fenris & Hawke Oneshot

* * *

No. It could not be true.

Tanned fingers armoured with black, metal gauntlets gently ran across the penmenship of a well-versed writer on a crisp piece of parchment. Again and again, row after row, word after word, the finger guided green orbs across the message. Its content stung the reader, causing the green pools to fill with excess water.

The finger began to shake, and the green pools were no longer able to read the paper's message underneath all of the blurry water.

" _No,_ " a gravelly voice uttered just above a whisper. It tore through the silence of the night.

" _No._ This is false," The voice spoke again, louder. It was raspier, rougher, than normal. The voice was cracking, crumbling, falling apart. The pools were leaking. The fingers shaking.

It was a man. He was sat in front of a meager fire holding a letter in one hand and holding himself together with the other. His free hand raked its way through locks of hair whiter than Winter's first snow.

"It cannot be true. Maker, please _no_ ," he spoke again in disbelief. The man could not bear what the letter had told him. He never wanted to read these words, never associate these words with himself. He suddenly wished he had never learned to read, so that maybe he would be spared of having to suffer this pain right now.

 _But he had gained the ability to read from her. How could he wish away a gift from her now that... now that she..._

Fenris clenched his metal clawed hand, effectively crumpling the piece of paper that destroyed his world. He was cracking, tearing apart at the seems. He dropped the letter into the fire and watched as it burned to ash, _wondering if she had met the same fate in the Fade._

The letter had been addressed to Fenris from his dear friend Varric Tethras. He assumed it was another letter simply passed _through_ Varric to him, as per usual. He was exepecting it to be a leter from Hawke, whom to protect her location and life, passed letters through Varric.

He was surprised to see a script he had only seen once or twice. There were words he had trouble reading. Hawke's letters only contained words Fenris would understand or could work out well enough because she knew he was still learning.

Varric's words, were the words of a renown writer. Fenris was interested to see what Varric had to say. He struggled through the first passage - he was not accustomed to the looped and connected letters of Varric's handwriting.

It was a simple greeting. Too simple for Varric. Too _bland_ and _grim._

Fenris began to panic. His heart beat accelerated. His breaths quickened.

Hawke had fallen into the Fade with the Inquisitor after fighting at Adamant Fortress.

" _Venhedis!"_ He had shouted after reading the line. He was scared, and angry, but forced himself to continue reading.

Everyone had emerged from the Fade hours later, injured and barely able to stand.

Fenris heaved a heavy sigh of relief all too soon. He saw there was much more for him to read, causing him to suck his breath back in.

 _Everyone except Hawke. I'm so sorry. She stayed behind to fight a monstrous Fear Demon to allow the Inquisitor, her allies, and the Warden Alistair to escape from the fade. She didn't make it._

The rest of the letter was full of words Fenris didn't care about. He read about Varric's grief but barely paid it any mind. He was numb. His breathing had stopped and he hadn't blinked for far too long. He sucked in a painful breath and his heart pounded painfully in return.

This was where he had begun to reread the letter and where his green pools had begun to overflow.

Fenris was crying. For Hawke. For himself. For Varric. For the world that had lost such an important person. But mostly he was crying because he was in _pain_.

It was _unbearable_. He suddenly wished to endure the process of gaining his Lyrium markings again if it meant never having to feel this kind of pain ever again.

It had been almost 4 months since he had last seen her, last held her, last kissed her lips, last made love to her. _And he would never be able to any of that ever again_.

Hawke was gone and Fenris couldn't bear to live without her. It was as simple and terrible as that.

He finally snapped. He shot up from his seated postion next to the now dead fire and rushed to a nearby tree. Lethendralis was ripped from his back and swung as hard as Fenris was able to manage into the nearest tree. He yelled angrily into the darkness. His fist met the same tree trunk seconds after letting got of the blade's hilt.

His blurry vision didn't prevent his eyes from focusing on the red cloth tied around his wrist. After all these years, he still wore it in her honour. He vowed he would always wear it, and he has kept that promise.

It was all he had left of her.

Fenris dropped to his knees, palms facedown in the dirt. At some point in his delirium, it had begun to rain and he had failed to notice it. At first he thought it was just rain gliding down his cheeks, across his flat-bridged nose, and dripping from its tip,but he soon realized he was crying. The overflowing green pools finally began spilling tears.

" _Hawke. Hawke. I love you. This has to be a lie."_ He sobbed. His broken heart could be heard in his voice. It could be seen in his eyes. And felt by the shaking of his body.

* * *

He sat there all night crying until no more tears fell. All he could think about was her. Even when he finally fell into an exhausted sleep, he could not escape thoughts of her. She was in his dreams. He was content and happy passing through dreams where Hawke was simply talking to him or just laughing or smiling or reading to him.

He did not however appreciate being awoken by the end of the dream, which would be more correctly termed as a nightmare at that point. Hawke had been there kissing him one moment, and then the next moment they were trapped in the Fade fighting a massive hoard of demons. He glimpsed down into his arms where he felt a cooling mass weighing down his arms. Hawkes body greeted him, covered in scrapes, cuts, and a sickening amount of her own blood. He shouted her name and his eyes ripped open.

He saw the dark canopy of the forrest above him and felt the reality of the world crashing down on him.

* * *

When the sun was all but an orange sliver rising on the horizon, Fenris wrenched himself up from the ground. He glided past the tree holding Lethandralis and gathered the the few things he kept on his person into his smal bag. His bare feet treaded across the dirt back towards Lethandralis and his metal-clad hands grabbed onto its hilt. Fenris mustered up an immense amount of strength to extract the blade from the tree. He had used a startling amount of strength when cleaving the tree in his grief. A small flex of his right hand proved the theory that he had used the same amount of force to punch the tree, as each and every finger and knuckle screamed in pain.

He didn'tcare though. Physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional torture he was going through.

Fenris shook his head and blinked his tired, bloodshot eyes. Despite the physical ache he began walking down the road. He walked and walked for hours. Then he would stop to rest. Then he would rise and repeat this process.

He did this for days on end wandering across Thedas - more specifically he was walking about in Orlais. He had just entered The Heartlands when he had received the... news from Varric. He was walking along the Imperial Highway now. He was headed closer to Ferelden, in hopes he could reach Varric at this _Skyhold_ in the Frostback mountains. He need to speak with him - to make sure that what was in the letter was true.

He fought many groups of bandits, highway men, and slavers on his journey. During his free time he would think of his time with Hawke and when the enemies approached him, he fought recklessly and without care. What point had he to care about living anymore? He let out his anger and torment on his foes, but was careless and took several wounds to his arms and torso.

Every fight would numb his sense more and more. And each time after when he began to walk, he would think less and less in hopes of blocking out the pain. The pain of being truly alone.

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 **I haven't published anything in literally years, but here's a fic anyway. Cause why not.**


End file.
